10:14 Squatch Men: Lifestyle

The Definitive Thanksgiving Side Dish Rankings

Here we are, the week of all weeks. Thanksgiving is here and it’s go time baby! Sure, turkey is all well and good, but, real talk, Thanksgiving is all about the side dishes. You know it, we know it. It’s a carb-loading bonanza and it’s time to play like a champion. You’ve got apps on your phone to increase your productivity and a smart watch for better efficiency, and just like we did with our Thanksgiving Prep Guide, we’re going to help you maximize your Thanksgiving experience with minimal effort. Like a turkey costume-wearing Tim Ferriss on a definitely-not-4-Hour Diet-approved binge, crunched the numbers, we’ve done the hardcore analysis, and are pleased to present the definitive Thanksgiving side dish rankings. Let’s. F-ing. GO.

The Best of the Best

  1. Stuffing - Obviously the G.O.A.T, stuffing’s place at the top of the hierarchy is unquestioned. Just keep it out of the bird thank you very much.
  2. Mashed Potatoes - Respect the OG. Despite being edged out at the finish line by stuffing, mashed taters are the Notorious BIG verse of thanksgiving side dishes, always perfect, welcome, always classic. 
  3. Brussels - Dark horse comin’ in hot! It can’t be all carbs and getting a bit of green on the corner of the plate is important. Obviously this assumes the addition of bacon to the dish, this is Thanksgiving, don’t be ridiculous.
  4. Sweet Potatoes - Sweet, spiced, and comforting like a warm hug from your mom or aunt, sweet potatoes are rock-solid dependable. GTFO with your fancy versions though, keep ‘em old-school, stacked with butter and brown sugar and topped with toasted marshmallows.
  5. Mac and Cheese  - While not totally traditional everywhere, it’s mac and cheese, c’mon. Like peak playoff Jordan in ‘96-’97, any list without it would be a joke, let’s be real.

The Worst of the Worst

  1. Pumpkin Pie - Fuego takes on deck. It’s not a side dish and most people love it, but pumpkin pie is the undisputed grossest, most overrated Thanksgiving dish in the game. FACTS.
  2. Green Beans - ZZZZzzzzZZZzzz. Huh, what? Oh sorry, the boring blandness of green beans just put me to sleep. Even the gloriousness of bacon can’t save green beans.
  3. Glazed Carrots - I don’t know, they’re fine? I guess? But there’s only so much stomach real estate, so let’s save it for something actually good. 
  4. Whatever That Salad Is - Ok, fine, make your Mom happy and have an obligatory bite. Now we can move on.
  5. Dinner Rolls - To be clear, bread slathered with an obscene swipe of butter is obviously delicious. But back to that whole limited stomach real estate and priorities matrix, we’ve got better things to focus on than store-bought rolls.

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